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Occupy Wall Street – And Stay There!

Jun 27, 2012 05:33PM ● By Stacy

Humor columnist Ron Bates

Dear Hippies,

Clearly Occupy Wall Street has been a huge success for hippiedom and brought about many positive changes, such as turning the word “Occupy” into a noun. Take that Funk & Wagnalls! We are the 99 percent – we don’t need no grammar rules!
Congratulations, I only wish I could be there with you. I could, of course, but:

A. I do not use portable toilets, and;

B. Neither do many of you.

This is the kind of thing that gives anarchy a bad name.

Still, if I’m ever in the area, I’ll be sure to drop by. Do you have a special section for
people who are against corporate greed but haven’t given up on civilization or hygiene?

Because that would be awesome. I’m not saying it has to be comfortable, or pleasant, or outfitted in the unjust trimmings of capitalism. All I’m asking for is – well, have you ever been to TGI Friday’s? Something nicer than that.

But here I am being critical when I actually support a lot of what you stand for. You know how you’re always banging drums and not working? Me too! But mostly I support the way you occupy Wall Street, a place which, according to numerous media reports, is thousands of miles away from me. And if your movement had only stayed there, I’d have no complaint at all.

But you know what the problem with movements is? They move.

Which brings me to my point. Recently, I’ve noticed that your fellow hippies and malcontents have begun occupying other places around the country. And not just big places, like cities. Small places, like –

Occupy My Dentist

To be honest, I don’t know if these people are actually associated with your movement. What I do know is that every time I go to my dentist, he leaves me in the chair while he checks on “other patients.” What other patients? Who is OCCUPYING my time? The fact is, I’m not comfortable with my dentist putting his hands in strange mouths during my appointment. It’s like he’s saying “Sorry, but your pathetic dental issues aren’t interesting enough for me. Have you even tried to get gingivitis? Because maybe then we’d spend a little more time together!” I could chalk the whole thing up to coincidence if it weren’t for –

Occupy Starbucks

Don’t tell me you people aren’t behind this. You know the drill. You go into a Starbucks, look for an empty table and you think you spot one – only there’s a laptop and a cup of coffee on it.

But the weird thing is, no one is sitting there. And when you look around, everybody in the store already has a table. So either this person got up and left the building (possibly on some kind of reverse coffee break) or they are now OCCUPYING two tables! I’d say I won’t stand for this kind of thing except that I have to – you’ve got all the chairs! This is just as bad as –

Occupy the Supermarket

Why do I always find myself trapped behind people who insist on OCCUPYING the grocery aisle? I mean the whole aisle! How is that even possible? To begin with, you have to position your cart on one side and then jut your butt across to the other side like you’re blocking access to a crime scene.

What happened? Was anyone hurt? Please tell me it wasn’t Sara Lee – nobody doesn’t like her! Look people, far be it for me to rush you while you’re trying to make a major life-decision like whether to buy converted rice. We’ve all faced those questions – what was it before it converted? Is this some kind of evangelical or
Jewish rice? The point is, only Uncle Ben knows and he ain’t talking. Move on and set me free!

I could go on: Occupy the Passing Lane; Occupy the Drive-thru Window; Occupy the Airplane Bathroom So Long that I Find an Entirely New Use for the Airsick Bag.
In short, you people are now occupying my life which, it turns out, is very annoying. So all I’m asking is that you do me a favor before you go back to your vital work of trying to bring down the man …

Choose a different man!

– Ron Bates is a freelance writer and editor who regularly provides glimpses into the funny and so-sad-they’re-funny aspects of his life. His youth novel, How to Make Friends and Monsters, is set to be published by Zondervan later this year.